We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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