just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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