My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
