she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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