i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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