**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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