I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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