Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
