i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
