Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
