you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
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This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
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The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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