it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
