Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
