there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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