I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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