So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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