Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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