Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
