I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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