my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.