i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
