I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.