And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
