I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
