OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
