Betty ford says i'm here all night
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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