im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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