Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My cat gives me a boner
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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