I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
