you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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