You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
