the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
