worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
