WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
