Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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