WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
