apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
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