I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
