Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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