Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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