i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
