I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
