Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
