Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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