I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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