here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
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I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
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