Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize