I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
