I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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