I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
