when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
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He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
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Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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