he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
