So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
