I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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