My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
