I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
