i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
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My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
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he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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