Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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