I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
