The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
