Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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